Back from my hols now. To stop this turning into a stupidly long post I'm going to break it up a bit by doing different days in the following posts.

Managed to get to Stansted without too many problems. Usual holdup in the M25 roadworks but that's to be expected. Dumped the car in the long stay car park and checked in.

In desperate need of food. Unfortunately the best we could find was some reheated spag bol - overpriced of course. Went for a quick beer in the Wetherspoons before heading to the gate. We were due to leave at 12:45am but it was gone 1 by the time we finally took off.

Landed in Malta and instantly felt a wall of heat as we stepped off the plan at 5am. The taxi ride to the hotel was eventful enough as the driver seemed on a mission to break every rule in the highway code. Heaven forbid he should actually look at the road or give way. I ended up laughing as the standard of driving just kept detoriating. The Maltese roads have had so much rubber laid down on them that no matter how slowly you take a corner it ends up screeching like some Hollywood car chase.

Got to the hotel at 6am to find it locked. One of the downsides of booking with Expedia is a lack of continuity between flight times and check in/out times. Fortunately the night porter let us in and even luckier our room was vacant and clean so we could go straight up for a kip instead of having to wander the streets until lunchtime.

When we re-emerged we went for a wander around the bay down the road and had lunch at a cafe by the beach. Spent the rest of the afternoon by the roof-top pool at the hotel. Started reading "Stupid White Men" by Michael Moore.

In the evening we went for a cracking bit of steak and chips then went to the Black Bull pub. Had a few pints of Boddies, although it was the worst pouring beer I'd ever seen. Took about 3 pints worth of liquid and head to scrape together a decent pint.

Got the bus over to Mdina - the old capital. Realised that the driving in Malta was pretty much all of a similar standard to that we'd encountered in the taxi the other night. Driving seems to be an abstract concept which involves pointing the vehicle in the direction you want to go and accelerating, all the while relying on others to get out of your way with a little assistance from the horn and the Virgin Mary.

Walked round the city - didn't take all that long as I'm pretty sure it's not that much bigger than the grounds my company's offices are set in. Visited the Mdina Dungeons - got some charming free postcards. Think they were free cos no-one in their right minds would want to buy them as they depicted various medieval tortures and diseases. Once we'd been around the capital we walked into the neighbouring Rabat and visited the Grotto of St Paul and then the catacombs and WWII shelter next door.

Went back to the hotel and got a taxi over to Sliema as we were expected at our friend's hotel ready for a stag night. Had difficulty finding anywhere to get some food as the Maltese seem to eat a lot later. Sat down outside the place that we found open. Looked at the menu, got ready to order pizza, the waitress came over then problemo:

"Are you doing food?"

Waitress "No, only pies ... or you can have a pasty"

"Er, ok, er, we'll leave it"

Wandered round for a while before settling on a restaurant on the waterfront. Good choice in the end as I had a very nice lasagne.

Got to the hotel. Our mates were on an all inclusive deal so instead of heading out to the bars and clubs as we expected we just got the beers in at the hotel bar which overlooked the bay and had a great view across to the capital Valletta. Witnessed some of the most atrocious cabaret singing known to man. The repertoire included songs with genius lyrics such as rhyming 'city' with, um, 'city'. Move over McCartney!! They also managed to perform both "You'll never walk alone" and "Glory, glory, Man United". Now if they'd performed "Glory, glory Tottenham Hotspur" - the original and still the best - I may have been a bit more forgiving.

After they'd finished the couple came over to the bar and turned out to be a lot more entertaining than they had been whilst performing. The bloke said he only stayed married to his wife so he could get a discount on the ferry to Gozo as she originated from there. He talked quite freely about his desire for a Russian replacement.

Eventually we called it a night and got a taxi home. That'll have to do for now. More tomorrow.

Went to the beach in the morning. Sand was a bit strange - it had been freshly imported from Jordan as they were still trying to establish a beach in the bay.

Not one for just lying around all day so we got on a bus to go to the other end of the island. Buses were ridiculously cheap. Less than 70p each for a single to get anywhere on the island. We got off when we thought we'd reached our destination. More through luck than judgement we'd actually got to where we wanted to be - Mellieha. Ended up visiting another set of WWII air raid shelters - all dug out with pickaxes to protect the Maltese populace from the Italian and German bombers.

Decided over an ice cream that we'd walk from Mellieha to the Red Tower we could see on the other side of the bay as it looked like a manageable distance.

Unfortunately we'd forgotten the golden rule of Maltese roads. They don't do straight lines and flat bits. And the weather was not particularly conducive to walking long distances but we soldiered on along the windy mountain roads and finally made it in a fairly decent time given the conditions. We walked up the final steepest bit of hill and found out the tower was closed. Great. Views were pretty spectacular though and you could see both sides of the island from the same spot. Don't think you can do that in many places back home.

Headed home and went out for a Chinese. The missus got tipsy after a bit too much of the vino and managed to coin the expression "Wingo Bings" in her drunken state. Made me laugh anyway.

And that, my readers/bored people, was Thursday.

The day of the wedding - the raison d'etre ("Oi, no French" as the Pub Landlord would say) for our trip to Malta.

Decided to get a bus over to Valletta in the morning so we could have a look around the capital before the ceremony.

Managed to find the Public Registry where the ceremony was due to take place fairly easily so we knew where we had to get back to later.

Got convinced by a sulky driver - that's the name of a horse and cart type thing rather than his mood - to go an a tour round the city. These drivers are pretty accommodating in their attempts to get some business and they're quite willing to drop you off at certain points to have a look around some of the sights while they wait.

After a quick beverage at a cafe we went and had a look around the Grandmaster's Palace Armoury - full of suits of armour (strangely enough), pointy things and things that go bang.

Another beverage and a bit of cake at Caffe Cordina - fancy paintwork, poor service - in Republic Square we headed back to the Public Registry. And found it closed.

Eventually another guest turned up so we were pretty certain this was definitely the right place. Then finally a minibus full of the other guests turned up and a car containing the groom.

The bride turned up in a sulky like the one we'd be on earlier but dolled up with ribbons and stuff.

Fortunately the ceremony didn't last too long as it was darn hot in the little room we'd been squeezed into. Still plenty of time for plenty of bottom-lip quivering from the females.

Went to a nearby gardens for the bulk of the photos before piling into the minibus to go back to their hotel. Had champers out the front overlooking the bay before going to one of the hotel bars before the wedding breakfast - why is it called a breakfast??

Had risotto followed by duck then a bit of black forest gateau all washed down with wine of course. The bride's father and the best man both came up with superb speeches leaving the happy couple suitably embarassed at the revelations from their pasts.

Then somewhat predictably we went and had more beers until the wee small hours then a taxi home.

Didn't go quite as planned. The aim had been to go to Mosta and find a way of getting some tickets for the Malta vs Sweden World Cup Qualifier - football withdrawal symptons were kicking in by now.

Got the bus to Mosta and had some lunch. Had a look around the Mosta Rotunda. (Random trivia - said to be the third largest unsupported church dome in Europe.) Saw a replica of the 200kg bomb that fell through the dome during WWII but rather fortunately for the 300 people inside the church at the time it didn't explode.

Tried and failed to find a tourist information office to get more info about the footie. Resorted to asking a minibus driver who didn't even know Malta were playing that day. Ended up asking in a barber's shop. Got told kick off was at half past 8 - we'd been told half 6 the day before - and that there are no buses at that time. Decided to abandon the idea as we could only get tickets from the stadium and there was no guarantee of any being left when we got there - if we could find a way of getting there and back.

Insisted on watching the England game that evening instead. Missed the first half hour or so as we were consuming giant pizzas. Wished by the end I'd missed it all as courtesy of Calamity James we contrived to give away a 2 goal lead and ended up scraping a draw. Malta on the other hand lost 7-0.

Had saved this day for a trip to Gozo, a neighbouring island. Got the bus across the island again and just missed the ferry. Fortunately they left every 45 minutes so didn't have too long to wait for the next one.

As soon as we walked off the ferry we got mobbed by taxi drivers offering to take us to the capital Victoria for a fiver. The fact that the bus that was sitting there waiting only costs 25p each didn't seem to dampen their enthusiasm and they just lied about the quality of the bus service instead. "The bus takes an hour". Ok, mate, whatever - the whole island is only 14 km across and Victoria is only about 5 or 6 km from the ferry port. Hardly took a rocket scientist to detect more than the merest whiff of bovine faeces.

Finally one of them came up with a new approach. Offered to take us on a tour if the island. Decided to go for it as it would make it a damn sight easier to get to some of the outlying sights. The taxi driver, Gregory, was a wealth of Gozitan information. Did you know that Gozo exports 29,000 litres of milk to Malta every day?

Again Gregory was quite happy to wait while we got out and wandered around places. First stop was to visit the Ggantija temples from 3600B.C. Then we headed up to the northern coast to vist the Calypso cave, assumed to be the cave mentioned in Homer's Odyssey.

Descended the rather treacherous steps and got shown around the cave by a rather strange man by the name of George who seemed to make an unofficial living by dishing out candles and pointing at bits of the cave with his walking stick while trying to convince you that certain bits of rock look like things. Strange but amusing all the same.

From there it was on to Marsalforn Bay for an ice cream before being dropped off in Victoria. Took a walk up to the citadel. Bought a ticket which got us entrance to all the museums in the citadel, Went round the old prisons, the archaeology and folklore museums and walked round the city walls before succumbing to the heat and going back down to the city for a drink before getting the bus back to the harbour. The bus took less than ten minutes so my earlier suspicions were confirmed.

Got the ferry back and jumped on the bus back to St Julian's. It was while we were on the bus that we saw one of the best examples of Maltese driving. As the bus approached a roundabout, the car behind decided to try and overtake regardless of the car exiting the roundabout and another car pulling out of a side road. Ended with a big screech of brakes, a nice set of skid marks and all 3 cars bonnet to bonnet but somehow no contact was made.

Decided to go for an authentic Maltese meal so we walked round to St Julian's Bay. Managed to get the last free table at a roof terrace restaurant. The missus went for bragioli which is sort of stuffed beef mince. I opted for Coniglio Alla Maltese - which is (animal lovers look away now) rabbit in a red wine sauce. Had a chocolate orange mousse for pud. Pricier than the other meals we'd had but well worth it.